The Top Ten Television Moments of 2007 (Part Two)

Note: I am seeing this through and completing it, even though I have many other interesting things to say. Today, five through to one.

5. Heather Mills Goes Loopy On GMTV: There are many jobs that you can do in the world, and PR strikes me as being : a. One of the less useful, and b: One of the easier. Everybody (I mean everybody) knows what you have to do if you’re a celebrity that has dug themselves into a bit of a hole, so why was Heather Mills allowed on various TV programmes on what I can only assume was a “PR offensive”? And why did she say so many of the things that she did? It made for compelling television, but also sealed her reputation in the tabloid press as a hormonally unbalanced, shrieking harpy. I’m not making a comment on this particularly peculiar modern morality tale here, by the way – merely pointing out that I was a weird yet engrossing spectacle.

4. The Return Of Futurama: It’s saying something about the quality of television in 2007 that one of the highlights of the year hasn’t actually happened on the television yet, but these are desperate times. You don’t need me to tell you that the cancellation of “Futurama” in 2003 was one of Fox’s greatest crimes of the new decade (though there is plenty of time for them to set that straight). It’s all of our fault, really. Although Fox had to take it share of the blame for its cancellation, the audience had to as well. I hated “Futurama” when it first came out and made the obvious mistake of trying to compare it with “The Simpsons”, which it obviously, notably isn’t. Anyway, it’s back back back in the form of the straight-to-DVD film “Bender’s Big Break”, which is being trimmed down to four episodes to be shown on the television on Comedy Central in America in the new year and will, presumably, be shown in this country as well. It’s not without its faults – there’s a little too much human interest going on and not enough space exploration for my liking and, regardless of the reason for it, it’s somehow less fun if Bender is being someone’s bitch for most of the film – but it’s a welcome return and, with a further three of these films due to be made over the next couple of years or so, there will be plenty of scope for them to get it right.

3. The Cadbury’s Gorilla Advert: It’s pretty easy to forget this, but our lives are absolutely soaked in advertising. Watch a football match, and there are company logos everywhere. Open a web page (apart, you’ll notice, from this one) and someone will be exhorting you to buy something. Advertising is so omnipresent these days that we are starting to become immune to its charms (more on that shortly), so it is quite something when a television advertising campaign gets people talking. This is what happened with the Cadbury’s Gorilla advert, a 90 second affair which broadcast for the first time during the live final of “Big Brother” at the end of August. It’s not really worth trying to deconstruct a gorilla playing the drums to “In The Air Tonight” in order to sell chocolate, but producing something so distinctive in the middle of the current media environment is worthy of some sort of praise, I guess.

2. England vs Croatia – European Championship Qualifier: For sheer car crash quality, it was difficult to get past the BBC’s amazing coverage of the critical European Championship qualifying match between England and Croatia last month. Those of us that are anything like in the know were already aware that this England team weren’t up to thee task ahead and that getting knocked out might be the cold shower that they needed, but the BBC carried on blissfully unaware of this, tub-thumping from the commentary gantry and the studio inside Wembley stadium. As everything unravelled in front of us, the BBC’s reaction was fascinating, with John Motson drying up on air (possibly for the first time ever), croaking on the verge of tears and imploring Mark Lawrenson to “say something Mark, please“. Back in the studio after the team had been booed off the pitch by 90,000 people, the atmosphere was sombre that anyone switching on might have thought that John Terry had just dragged Prince William down from the royal box and beat him to death with his cock on the centre spot. Which, I guess, in a sense he had (albeit tenuously metaphorically). The BBC hasn’t misjudged the mood of the nation so badly since some bright spark decided that giving Jim Davidson “The Generation Game” gig was a brilliant idea.

1.  Television Companies Are Found Out Over Premium Rate Telephone Number Competitions: Two key events have changed the face of television forever. The 1990 Broadcasting Act was sold as the “liberalisation” of British television, but what it actually did was introduce voracious capitalisation to the medium. Suddenly, television had to make a profit (the pre-1990 commercial TV companies had a seemingly in-built and involuntary public service ethos). Secondly, the multimedia age happened. TV companies started appearing left, right and centre. Other media started competing for our attention. The television advertising pot started to shrink, and companies had to come up with new ways of making money. Nowadays, many programmes are designed around persuading you to part with your cash. There are some of us that think that these are competitions are pretty immoral anyway, so it comes as very little surprise that many of them were rigged. It goes to show the contempt with which television companies hold you. I mean, you can see it in the scheduling – the fact that they treat you like idiots. I don’t think that this is major surprise. The difference is that we now know that they treat you like idiots and think that they have to automatic right to nick the wallet or purse out of your pocket and help themselves, and while they will act contrite and humble until this is all forgotten, it will continue to get worse and worse. Happy new year!